If Only
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Tezuka is confused about his relationship with Atobe, and it is only made worse by Fuji's jealousy. How does Yuuta fit into the equation? Why is Mizuki sad? Many mistakes are made, hearts are broken, and nothing will ever be the same again.
1. Part 1

A/N: First of all, I want to mention that this is definitely not a happy story. There is much, much _un_happiness. I wanted something angsty and emotional...I want to mention that there are, in fact, two deaths in this story. I won't say who, because that would spoil the whole thing -- I just wanted you all to know that it's a deathfic.

I originally intended to submit this to a certain contest, but it is not nearly long enough for that, so I decided to post it. I'm well aware that this may not be very well-received because it is a deathfic -- and not completely AU (I'm not cheating this time).

I also swore never to write TezuFuji/FujiTezu. Hahaha. Well, it finally happened. It's not my fault, I swear! I thought of the plotline, and then I had to choose characters to suit it, and there they were...I'm not very thrilled with it, but I've been told to post it, so I will.

If Only

"What exactly is Atobe doing at our school?" The question was pleasant, as all questions were when being voiced by Fuji Syusuke. He managed to keep his emotions hidden ninety percent of the time, and he only showed his anger in extreme situations, most times only if it involved his younger brother Yuuta, Mizuki Hajime, the man that Fuji thought was ruining him.

Fuji's companion was looking in the same direction, and he met Atobe's eyes. Tezuka Kunimitsu knew exactly what Atobe Keigo was doing at the school. He was there waiting for Tezuka. Fuji did not know that yet, and Tezuka did not know if he was ready to tell him. He did not know if he would ever be ready to tell anyone about the relationship he had with the captain of Hyoutei's tennis team. It was confusing enough without having the opinion of others to consider. He had a feeling that Fuji's opinion would also be the strongest, since Fuji seemed to have a rather protective streak when it came to Tezuka, and he also hated Atobe.

It was not visible on the surface, and only someone who knew Fuji as well as Tezuka would have been able to see it. Fuji had harbored a deep hatred for Atobe ever since Tezuka's return from Germany, at the end of their third year of junior high. That was three years ago now, and Tezuka did not hate Atobe at all. His anger had faded quickly, and changed into something else entirely. He had more of a reason to hate Atobe that Fuji did, or at least he thought so.

"Tezuka?"

Tezuka realized that Fuji was waiting for some form of response. He did not know what to say. Should he tell Fuji the truth, or should he keep it a secret for just a little longer? Three years was a long time to keep a secret, and he had a feeling that it would come out soon enough, even if he did not say anything to Fuji about it himself. Eventually, someone was going to notice, and there would be rumors. He did not think Fuji would appreciate hearing about it like that.

Tezuka did not understand why Fuji was so protective of him. He had a few suspicions, but he felt that most of them were ridiculous. Fuji was a very good friend of his, but he was almost certain that Fuji did not harbor any feelings toward him that were any stronger than that. If he had, he most certainly would have done something about it by now. Fuji was the type to grab what he wanted when he wanted it, and Tezuka knew that very well.

They were rapidly approaching Atobe, and Tezuka still had not decided what he should say.

"Do you have any theories?" Fuji asked, trying once more to get an answer out of him. He shook his head, and Fuji chuckled. It was a game with Fuji, the "Make Tezuka Talk" game that he had been playing for years now. It amused him to hear a series of grunts in reply, and amused him even more if he could fluster Tezuka to the point of actually making a real answer. Tezuka liked to play along, since the game held a certain familiarity that was comfortable in a world that was rapidly changing. High school was going to be over soon, and after that, everything would change. Things might even change as drastically as they had three years ago.

Tezuka stifled a sigh when Fuji veered, and walked right up to Atobe. "What are you doing here?" he asked. His smile was in place, as always, his perfect mask that never wavered. Tezuka had only seen that mask crack a few times in the many years they had been friends, and each time it had been anger that broke it and nothing else.

"I'm here for Tezuka," Atobe replied.

Tezuka met his eyes, and felt a sense of relief. There, it was said, and he didn't have to say it. Fuji would not find out from rumors, although he might even have preferred that to hearing it from Atobe.

Fuji turned back to Tezuka. "Is that so?"

Tezuka nodded, once. "Yes. We usually walk home together."

"That's why you tried to refuse me," Fuji said. "I see now that I was interrupting your plans. You should have just told me."

"I didn't think you would like it," Tezuka said, truthfully. He also didn't think that Fuji would have been dissuaded from following him no matter what he had said.

"No, I wouldn't have liked it. I don't like it. Tezuka...this is the one who took everything away from you. Why would you be spending time with him?" Fuji asked. There was no longer a smile on his face. It was impossible to determine what emotion he was feeling, but it was clear he was not happy.

"I think that's up to Tezuka to decide, don't you?" Atobe asked. He sounded a bit amused with the entire situation. Just as Fuji hated Atobe, Atobe had no lost love for Fuji. Tezuka felt that he was caught up in the middle of it sometimes. That was yet another reason to keep the whole affair from Fuji, but now he knew, and there were going to be some rough times ahead. There would also be some bad arguments in the future. He hated arguing with Fuji, and he hated arguing with Atobe. It took so much energy out of him, and left him feeling as though the world no longer wanted him in it. It would only get worse if he was arguing with one about the other.

"Tezuka. He is the reason that you can't play tennis anymore. Don't you hate him?"

Tezuka closed his eyes. He had heard this argument before, from this very person. He had heard it from many more, but it always stung the most when coming from Fuji's lips.

"I forgave him a long time ago," Tezuka said. "He didn't know that it was going to ruin me permanently."

"That's not the point!"

"Fuji, please." Tezuka did not want Fuji to make a scene. He did not want to see that mask crack and the real anger shine through, because he was the one who had caused it, this time.

"We can talk later, then," Fuji said. It was a promise. He turned, and walked away. Tezuka watched him go with a heavy heart. Fuji would keep that promise.

"What a brat," Atobe commented. Tezuka shook his head.

"Don't insult Fuji."

"Why? Are you in love with him?"

"You know I'm not. I don't want to be caught between you two. Drop it, please."

"All right, then. Let's go." Atobe slipped his arm around Tezuka's waist, and they left the school grounds together.

It really was partly Atobe's fault that Tezuka could no longer play tennis. He had gone away to Germany three years ago, and the doctor's had performed many tests, and tried many methods. In the end, it had done no good. He had pushed the shoulder too far, they said, and he would never be able to play tennis again. The shoulder would heal, but it would be impossible for him to hold a racket in his left hand. He could, of course, play with the right, and he would be amazing, but he would never be up to the same standard as he had been before. Also, it was far more likely for him to sustain an injury in the right shoulder, now that the left one was incapacitated.

Tezuka had been crushed. The news had changed his life forever. Without tennis, what did he have? He had thought only of tennis for so long that it hurt to think about anything else.

Of course, he would have to give tennis up now, though. If he could not play with his left, then he would not play at all, because he was no longer whole. He was no longer the same Tezuka Kunimitsu who was so good at the game, and played single-mindedly.

He had returned home at the end of that school year, though he did not go back to the school. He went back for one day only, and finished the rest of the year with a private tutor. He was planning on taking the high school entrance exams, though, and he decided to go to Seigaku's high school.

He went back to Seigaku junior high for one day only, and that was to say goodbye to tennis forever. He would never forget the day he walked onto that tennis court, and heard the happy cheers of what had once been his team. Only Fuji had not welcomed him back. He had turned the full power of his blue eyes on Tezuka, searched his soul, and somehow he had known.

"You can't play anymore, can you?" Fuji had asked, startling everyone who had gathered around.

Tezuka had met his gaze, and shook his head once, slightly. There had been murmurs all around, murmurs of disbelief and shock.

A few days later, Fuji had announced that he, too, was going to give up tennis.

Fuji had never been particularly predictable, so this news had not really shocked Tezuka all that much. Some others had been quite surprised, however, and had tried to change his mind. Fuji never did, though. He stayed off the tennis courts from that day on, and stayed by Tezuka's side instead.

Sometimes, Tezuka wondered why he was not dating Fuji instead of Atobe. The main reason, really, was that Atobe had asked first. If Fuji had asked, he might have been with him, now. Then again, things were always more complicated with Fuji. It was so much harder to know what he was thinking, because of the mask he wore. Atobe also had a mask, of sorts, but at least he had emotions on occasion. Although, Tezuka was a bit hypocritical to think that, since he did not show many emotions himself.

"Tezuka? I've been talking to you for the past five minutes. Have you heard a word I've said?"

There was amusement in Atobe's voice, rather than frustration. Tezuka shook his head, indicating that no, he had not heard a single word.

"I'm sorry. I was thinking."

"You are always thinking. That's why there's a permanent frown on your face."

Atobe had a personal driver that he was permitted to order about as he pleased. He came from a very rich family, and had no qualms about using that to his advantage. Tezuka had been driven around in his car many times in the past couple of years, but he was not really used to it.

"Where would you like to go today?" Atobe asked.

"Home," Tezuka replied. He was tired, and he was worried about Fuji. Life with him would become insufferable from here on in, judging by what he knew of the other boy. If he did not like someone in Tezuka's life, then he did all he could to get that person out of it. Tezuka did not want Atobe out of his life, however. Thinking about it was giving him a headache.

"Home?" Atobe sounded a little disappointed.

"Yes. Home."

"Fine, then."

Tezuka stared out of the window for most of the ride. He and Atobe usually talked, but today he did not feel like it. The atmosphere in the car was almost the same as it had been when they had first started dating. The silence was awkward, and full of unasked questions.

"Tezuka. Are you going to break this off?" Atobe asked, quietly. It was the only question that seemed worth asking at that point.

"No." Tezuka did not want to break up with Atobe. He liked the other's company, and enjoyed being with him. He was not exactly in love, but he did not want whatever this was to end, not yet. It was comfortable, now, and it would be a shame to throw it away.

"Good."

Tezuka finally turned away from the window to find his boyfriend smiling at him. He found himself smiling back. His smile was rare, and there were very few people who ever got to see it. Atobe was one of those people. Fuji was not. Their relationship was one far stranger and more complex than the one he shared with Atobe, which did not make very much sense, considering how he and Atobe had come to be together in the first place.

It was true that Atobe was partly to blame for Tezuka's injury, because he had pushed Tezuka too far, but Tezuka had always known in his heart that he was to blame as well. He had allowed himself to be pushed that far, and continued to play with an injured shoulder. He was the other half of the reason, and that was probably why he had been able to forgive Atobe so easily. That, and the fact that Atobe had actually been guilty, though he had never actually admitted to it.

He remembered that time vividly. It was burned in his mind, and in his dreams and nightmares. His life had changed drastically, but it had also been a time where he had discovered a tiny glimmer of hope.

-----

Tezuka got in touch with Atobe to ask him for a favor. He wanted Hyoutei to train with Seigaku while they were away at a training camp, to give them an edge, and to see how they were doing. He especially wanted Atobe to test Echizen, the hope for Seigaku's tennis that he had left behind.

"You dont' resent me then?" Atobe asked. His voice on the other end of the phone was carefully emotionless.

Tezuka did, a little, but he knew that the members of Hyoutei were strong, and it would be good for his team.

"How is your shoulder?" Atobe asked, when Tezuka left his first question unanswered.

"The doctor's say I will never play again."

There was a silence that stretched on, and on. Tezuka wondered what exactly was going through Atobe's mind. Did he care, or was he indifferent? Did he feel at all guilty, or were there no regrets?

"I have to hang up," Tezuka said. Calling long-distance like this was going to cost him a fortune as it was.

"Come home soon, Tezuka. We'll talk then."

That sentence was what really convinced Tezuka to forgive Atobe Keigo, because he could hear the emotion in it now.

-----

Tezuka did not know how Atobe had managed to get his cellphone number. He might have asked any of the members of Seigaku's tennis team, or had one of the members of his team ask. Whatever the case, Tezuka was now talking to Atobe on his personal phone. Apparently Atobe had really meant it when he'd said "We'll talk."

"Tezuka. I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me this evening."

"Why?" It was Tezuka's first thought, and he wanted to know the answer, even if it was a bit rude to ask.

"I...I think I owe it to you." There was a pause, and then Atobe hastily added, "Because you gave me such a great victory, during our game."

Tezuka had the feeling that Atobe really wanted to apologize, but could not voice those words.

"I have to have dinner with my family tonight," Tezuka replied.

"Oh, well. Some other time then." Atobe did not sound crushed or anything of the sort, but once more Tezuka had the distinct impression that he was feeling guilty.

"Tomorrow night," he said.

"What?"

"I would like to have dinner with you tomorrow night."

"I think I'm free. Tomorrow night it is, then," Atobe said, casually.

----

During that summer, they saw each other often. It was during that time that Tezuka discovered that he really enjoyed Atobe's company. His attitude left something to be desired, but there was a side of him that was very appealing. He also had a very charming and rather disarming smile that was next to impossible to resist.

Tezuka only realized that they were dating the first time Atobe kissed him. He was unresponsive, so Atobe pulled back quickly. He was too sure of himself to be embarrassed, but he seemed a bit put off.

"Do you still resent me?" he asked.

"No," Tezuka replied, truthfully.

"Then do you like me at all?"

Tezuka had to think about it. He was surprised that Atobe had kissed him so suddenly, without warning. Then again, had it really been without warning?

"Yes," Tezuka said. He was a man of few words, but he could get his meaning across quite well. Atobe smiled, more of a smirk, really, and leaned in to kiss him again. This time, Tezuka was not surprised, and he let it happen. This time, he enjoyed himself.

----

"Tezuka. You were drifting again."

Tezuka did not respond to that. His only reply would be to say that he had been thinking again, and Atobe would most likely laugh at him and tell him to stop.

They had arrived at his house, and Tezuka thanked the driver, as he always did. Atobe had assured him that it was unnecessary, since the driver was getting paid very well, but Tezuka always felt the need to be proper.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Atobe said. "Let's go for dinner."

Tezuka nodded his agreement, and Atobe pulled him in for a kiss.

"Good night."

Tezuka got out of the car, and walked up the driveway to his home. They always had to be careful, because his parents would never approve of him dating another boy. He was tired of keeping it a secret, from them, and from everyone else. It was probably a good thing that Fuji had found out, really, but he still couldn't help feeling anxious about what was going to happen next.

----

"Kunimitsu, you should really invite that nice boy in more often," said Tezuka's mother as he entered the house. "He is always giving you rides, I think you should give him something in return."

Tezuka had the urge for a moment to reply that he gave Atobe plenty in return, but such humor was not his style, especially not in the presence of his mother. He settled for a slight nod.

"You used to invite him to dinner once in a while, why have you stopped?"

How could Tezuka explain that it was harder to hide what they felt for each other now than it had been a few months ago? They had built up quite a large amount of sexual tension, and they hadn't gotten around to doing anything about it quite yet. He was afraid that his parents would be able to tell, throw Atobe out, and then give him a lecture about proper behavior.

"When are you going to get yourself a girlfriend?"

Tezuka's entire body became very, very numb. He hated this question, because he did not know how to answer it. A nod would not satisfy her, nor would a grunt, and she would get angry if he just ignored it. She asked the question more and more often these days. He wondered if she suspected anything.

"When I find someone I like," Tezuka said, carefully.

"There are so many girls at your school, why is it that you never give any of them a chance?"

His mother was being very persistent today. Maybe she really did suspect something. Hopefully, she only felt that he was being too cold and closed off from them, and had no idea that he was actually not interested in girls whatsoever, and never had been. He would have to break that news to his family someday, because that fact was never going to change, but he did not think they could handle it right now. He did not really think they would ever be able to handle it, but he could at least wait until he was out on his own, and they could not punish him for it.

"I haven't met anyone that I like." Tezuka knew that he sounded like a robot. He had never been good at communication, not even with his own family. He had always been quiet and withdrawn, and the only people he really had any sort of decent conversation with were Atobe, and sometimes Fuji.

"If you keep this up, you'll scare all the girls away," his mother warned him.

That was just fine, but Tezuka did not say that. Instead, he replied with a grunt, and this time there was nothing she could do about that. He retreated to his room, and hoped that she would hold off the interrogation for a few days, now. He would never be able to give her any answers that she liked, though. If she kept this up, she would learn the truth a lot sooner than either of them would like.

Tezuka did not want to break up with Atobe for any reason. Not for Fuji, and not for his parents. He was determined to stay with him for a while yet.

----

Fuji was angry.

He could not believe that Tezuka had been dating Atobe, and he had never even suspected it. He didn't blame him for keeping a secret. Tezuka knew him well enough to understand how he would hate that fact. It was just a shame that Tezuka did not know him quiet well enough to understand why Fuji was so devoted to him. That was another story, though.

Fuji should have noticed. Tezuka had been much more agreeable lately, and had taken his teasing in stride. The Tezuka of three years ago was much more unapproachable. He had always credited the slow changes to the fact that Tezuka no longer played tennis, and did not have much to worry about. He should have realized that it was because Tezuka was in love.

Why with Atobe? That was what bothered him the most. Tezuka deserved to be loved, of course. He deserved to go out and have fun on dates, and be with someone that he cared about, but why did that someone have to be the person who had ruined him? The person who had destroyed all of his chances at a career in the one thing that he loved the most?

Fuji hated Atobe. He couldn't help it. He had become fiercely protective of Tezuka somewhere along the line, and Atobe had hurt him. He could never forgive that, even if Tezuka could.

Why Atobe? Why not Fuji?

Fuji loved Tezuka. He had loved Tezuka for a long time, now. He had always thought it was painfully obvious, but Tezuka had never noticed. He may have been a champion at hiding his emotions, but how else could one explain the fact that Fuji never left Tezuka's side? Why else would Fuji have given up tennis just after he'd learned that Tezuka could no longer play? It was a show of devotion for the one he cared about the most, but Tezuka was oblivious to all of that. Tezuka thought of him as a friend, and nothing more.

Most times, being just a friend was enough. Fuji was content with the way things were. At least, he had been, until a few hours ago when he'd discovered that things were a little different from what he'd believed.

Of course he was jealous. He wanted Tezuka for himself, and could hardly stand the thought of him with someone else, but the fact that it was Atobe made it a hundred times worse.

Fuji had come to believe that Tezuka was not really interested in him because he liked girls, but that was not the case. Tezuka liked boys well enough, as long as they were named Atobe.

Fuji was good at hiding his emotions, and no anger showed on his face now. He ate dinner with his family and chatted with them cheerfully, and then he went up to his room and stared at the wall.

Why Atobe? Besides the fact that he was good-looking and good at tennis, what was there to like about him? He enjoyed using his tennis to destroy people. His used his looks to make people do things for him.

He had destroyed Tezuka's shoulder, and destroyed what Tezuka loved the most. Tennis.

Only now Tezuka had a new love, and that was Atobe.

Why Atobe?

Fuji stared at the wall for a few hours, until he drifted off to sleep.

----


	2. Part 2

Part 2

Quite predictably, on the next day Fuji was in a very bad mood. It did not show through his mask, but Tezuka could tell anyway. He knew Fuji best, after all.

Tezuka was not very good at explaining himself in these kinds of situations. In fact, he rarely explained himself for anything that he did. Most of the time, he didn't need to. He had no idea what he could say that would make Fuji any less angry. At this point, it would only add to the problem, and Tezuka did not want to do that. It was a wonder that Fuji was even speaking to him.

"Why Atobe?" Fuji asked, suddenly.

Tezuka made a random grunting noise. Fuji gave him a sharp look, and Tezuka knew that he was not going to get away with it. Fuji wanted an answer, and he wanted it now. Fuji usually got whatever Fuji wanted, eventually.

"We suit each other," Tezuka finally replied. The words were true, and he was glad he had thought of them. It was a good explanation for Fuji, and a good explanation for himself as to why he was still with Atobe after so long. They suited each other.

"No, you don't. He doesn't deserve you."

"Fuji. Stop it." Stop being angry, stop hating Atobe, stop being overprotective of me, and stop trying to smile when you're not happy, was what Tezuka wanted to tell him, but he was a man of few words, always.

"Atobe destroyed you, and you expect me to be happy with this?"

"I expect you to stay out of my business." Tezuka did not mean to be so cold, but sometimes he could not help it.

"I see. Your friend is not allowed to care about you, then?"

"I'm glad that you care, but I chose to be with Atobe, and I think you should respect that." There. If Fuji could hardly argue with that...Well, he probably would argue with it, but at least it was a strong point in Tezuka's favor.

"I will never forgive him."

"I didn't ask you to."

"No, you didn't." Fuji sighed. "You could do so much better, Tezuka. There are so many people out there who love you so much, and you pick the one who cares little for you."

Tezuka made no reply to that. He wanted to drop the subject. He did not want to think about whether Atobe really cared or not. It was a confusing topic, and one that he did not like to dwell on. One day he would try and find out, but for now he was content with the way things were.

Atobe had to care for him a little to have stayed with him so long, right?

"I know I can't stop you from being with him, but if he ever hurts you...I swear I'll kill him."

Tezuka knew that Fuji meant that, and some part of him was frightened.

"Don't make such harsh promises," he warned. Fuji just gave him a smile, and then he finally started to talk about something else.

----

Tezuka noticed Fuji following he and Atobe on their date, but he said nothing of it to Atobe. He did not want Fuji to know he knew, because it might prove awkward later. He did not want Fuji to know that he knew that Fuji was watching when Atobe put an arm around him, or kissed him, or even smiled at him. It was embarrassing, but if Tezuka pushed him away, Atobe would know that something was wrong and ask questions. Tezuka never pushed him away.

Tezuka did not want to answer questions. He did not want to tell Atobe that Fuji was following them, because that would be awkward. Everything could prove awkward, these days. It was no wonder he had never told Fuji about the relationship.

"School will be over in a few months. What are you doing after?" Atobe asked. They were having dinner at a small but expensive restaurant, one of Atobe's favorites.

"I applied to a few schools. I'm waiting to see where I get accepted," Tezuka replied. He did not want to think about the future, really. It loomed ahead of him like a big black rain cloud. Years ago, he'd known exactly what he wanted to do with his life, but that had been taken away from him. His goals had been flattened and snatched away, by none other than the person he was now dining with.

He had forgiven Atobe, but sometimes, the knowledge that he would never play tennis again still stung.

"I'm sure they'll all accept you, and what then?"

"I don't know."

"You were sure of yourself once, weren't you?" Atobe asked. "Almost as sure of yourself as I am, in a different way of course."

"Yes. I couldn't help changing."

"Of course not." Atobe pushed some of the food on his plate around in circles with his fork for a few moments, then he finally put the fork down. "Tezuka..."

"I don't blame you anymore, Atobe."

"I know that." An uncomfortable silence followed, and Tezuka realized that his appetite was gone, as well.

"I want to talk," Atobe said. "Let's talk about us, Tezuka."

What was there to talk about? They were together. They were not quite lovers, but they were more than just friends. Why did they have to talk about it? Atobe was not the type to want any sort of commitment of any kind.

"We've been together for a long time, but I have no idea where this is going. I'm not even sure if you still hate me or not."

"I've told you that I don't."

"Yes, and you always say it with that same expression on your face. I can never tell what you're thinking."

Tezuka did not like this conversation. He did not like anything that made him think about his emotions, about his future...

"There's something else that we should talk about, as well."

"What?"

"The fact that we haven't...done anything yet," Atobe said. "I don't know how to put this tactfully, but I want you, Tezuka."

Tezuka knew that it would come down to this at some point. He was prepared for it. In fact, he had been looking forward to it, somewhat.

"I don't have a problem with that."

"Then we should do something about it. Like I said, I don't know where this is going, but I guess we should enjoy it while it lasts."

"Yes."

The moment was not as awkward as Tezuka had expected it to be, and that was good. It would have been even less uncomfortable if he did not feel Fuji's eyes on him. Still, none of this was Fuji's business, and if he didn't like it then he shouldn't be here in the first place.

"Let's go home," Atobe said. He paid the bill, then he and Tezuka left the restaurant. Fuji could not follow them where they were going, and Tezuka expected that he would be in a very, very foul mood the next day at school.

----

Tezuka had entertained the odd fantasy in his lifetime, but nothing had really prepared him for what would actually happen when he finally got around to sleeping with someone. He and Atobe definitely had the passion built up and ready, but it was very strange to experience it. He had a feeling that Atobe had done this before, but he hadn't.

When it was all over, and he lay staring at the ceiling, he wondered, why Atobe? There was just something about him that Tezuka was drawn to, and they suited each other, just like he'd told Fuji. That was why Atobe.

He got out of bed and took a shower, then he got dressed and ready to leave. Atobe stirred, a little.

"Leaving so soon, Tezuka?"

"I have to go home. My parents will be expecting me," he said.

"You could always call them and say you're staying with a friend tonight. It would be the truth."

"Yes." It was tempting, but Tezuka did not want them to suspect anything. It was doubtful that they would, since they trusted him completely, but he still felt very strange about the entire situation. "Next time," he said.

"Ah, so there will be a next time?"

Tezuka felt himself blushing, which was rare. "Yes."

"Good. I'll see you later, then."

Tezuka leaned over him for a goodbye kiss, and then he went home. His mother greeted him when he walked in the door. He wondered if she noticed anything different about him, then he realized he was just getting paranoid. There was no way that anyone would be able to tell what had happened.

----

"You seem different today, Tezuka."

Of course, Fuji knew what had happened because Fuji had been following them. Tezuka was embarrassed, but he could not admit to being embarrassed because then Fuji would know that he knew. Not that he would have ever admitted to feeling embarrassed, anyway.

"Really."

"Yes. Did anything special happen yesterday?"

Fuji's sweet tone made Tezuka twitch. "Nothing special, no."

"Really?"

"Really."

"How was your date?"

"Fine."

"Aren't you going to tell me the details?"

"No." Fuji was really insufferable, sometimes. He knew all of the details, why bother to ask?

"You're so shy, Tezuka."

Tezuka gave one of his grunts in reply to that, in hopes that Fuji would take the hint and drop the subject. For once, he did.

----

Fuji continued to follow them. It was hard to pretend that he didn't know, and hard not to tell Atobe about it, but he managed. Somehow their relationship continued normally, and his friendship with Fuji stayed as normal as it had ever been. Fuji complained about Atobe incessantly, but Tezuka just ignored it as best he could.

It was hard to ignore, however, when Fuji first made his appearance known as he stalked them one evening.

Tezuka and Atobe were in the park, enjoying the view of the stars, and enjoying the taste of each other. There was something intoxicating about making out under those stars, even if Tezuka felt guilty that Fuji could see it.

"You two look like you're enjoying yourselves."

The two broke apart, and Atobe glared angrily at Fuji. "What are you doing here?"

"Enjoying the evening," Fuji replied. "Though probably not as much as you are."

"You really have no business interrupting us."

"Of course not, but I couldn't resist." Fuji leaned in closer to Atobe, as though he was going to tell him a secret. "You don't deserve him, you know."

"Oh, and you do?"

"Maybe not, but you certainly don't have any right to him."

"I think that's up to Tezuka to decide."

"That is also true, but I still don't like you, Atobe Keigo."

Tezuka couldn't take it anymore. He stood, and retreated, without looking back. He did not want to break up with Atobe, and he did not want to end his friendship with Fuji, but how was he going to be able to balance both if they insisted on being like this? He didn't blame either of them for their dislike of the other, but they could at least try, for his sake.

----

"I'll make him see that you're not worth his time," Fuji promised.

"I can understand why you hate me, but aren't you taking your petty jealousy a bit far?" Atobe asked.

"No. I will make sure that Tezuka is happy. If he's happy with you for now, then so be it, but if you ever hurt him, I will kill you."

"I'm scared, Fuji." The sarcasm was painfully obvious in his voice. Atobe stood, and turned his back. "You're such an extremist. You could at least threaten to beat the shit out of me first, and then kill me if I hurt him again."

"I wouldn't give you the second chance."

Atobe was already walking away.

----

Having sex with Atobe did not become any less strange. It grew more enjoyable as it hurt less, but it was always very uncomfortable afterwards. If he was lucky, he could leave before Atobe woke up, but sometimes he fell asleep himself, and had to wake up beside him. It was not entirely unpleasant to see Atobe's face in the morning, but it was hard to know what to say, or what to do. There were no "I love you's" between them, and Tezuka was not exactly sure what it all meant.

Sometimes, Tezuka wondered what it would be like to sleep with Fuji. He would certainly not accept it if Tezuka left before he woke up. He would expect Tezuka to be there every morning, and would always greet him with a smile. There would probably never be any "I love you's" in that case, either.

Tezuka did not really know why he thought of that, sometimes. He was not in love with Fuji. They had been friends for far too long for him to feel that way. It was just "what if?" and it was harmless, wasn't it?

----

Fuji had stopped following Atobe and Tezuka on their dates, but he never stopped pestering Tezuka about his choice of boyfriends.

"He's not good enough for you."

"Fuji. You've said that before. That isn't the issue here," Tezuka said, thoroughly frustrated. "Please, just leave it alone."

"I think that's the first time I've heard you say please. Are you serious about him, Tezuka?"

"Serious?"

"What I mean is, do you love him?" Fuji asked frankly. The question took Tezuka by surprise, though in retrospect, it really shouldn't have.

"I don't know," he admitted.

"That isn't good enough," Fuji said.

Tezuka wondered if anything would ever be good enough for Fuji.

----

Tezuka did not have very many friends. He was an introvert, and the only reason he'd ever made many friends was because of the tennis team. Even then, they hadn't really been friends, more like acquaintances. Fuji was one of the exceptions. He hadn't thought of Fuji as a friend, really, in all the time they'd played tennis together, but now he was irreplaceable.

Oishi had been his closest friend, but they rarely saw each other anymore. After Tezuka quit tennis, they grew apart. They rarely spoke to each other anymore, especially now that they were not in any of the same classes.

The only friends he had now were Fuji and Atobe. Atobe hardly counted as a "friend" though. He was something else; something more. Something unexplainable.

Fuji was Tezuka's only friend, but it looked like soon he would have no friends at all. Fuji was angry with him lately, visibly angry, even behind that mask of his.

Atobe was the cause of Fuji's frustration, so there seemed to be nothing that he could do about it. He was not going to break up with Atobe because Fuji didn't like him; it wasn't a good enough reason.

Sometimes he wondered, though, if he had to choose, who would it be? Fuji or Atobe? The friend who was always there for him or the guy he slept with? When put that simply, the choice seemed obvious, but it was a decision that would be far from easy. He hoped he never had to make it. He hoped that Fuji would get over his anger, and come to accept Atobe one day. One day soon, preferably. He couldn't take the tension anymore.

Tezuka did not want to lose his only friend, nor did he want to lose Atobe. Why couldn't Fuji just get over it?

Nothing was ever that simple.

----

"Give him up," Fuji said. He and Tezuka were eating lunch together.

Tezuka shook his head. How many times would he be forced to have this argument with Fuji?

"He's not good enough for you, Tezuka."

Fuji probably wouldn't think that anyone was good enough. He tended to be quite picky.

"He hurt you, Tezuka."

Tezuka bit back an exasperated sigh. It had never been his way to show his frustration, and he wasn't about to start now. "Fuji, I forgave him. I think you should give it up."

"I can't possibly," Fuji said. "I'll never forgive anyone who hurts Tezuka."

Fuji made Tezuka very, very tired sometimes. "Fuji, I don't want to talk about this anymore, or ever again. Leave me alone."

Fuji blinked. "Leave you alone? Are you telling me to go away?"

"No. I don't want you to go away, I just want you to stop talking about Atobe."

"Fine." Fuji looked down at his lunch. "I won't talk about him anymore, but if I ever find out that he's hurt you..."

"Yes, you've made that threat before."

"I'm not kidding," Fuji said.

"I know you're not."

----

Fuji started following Atobe. There was something about the boy that he really didn't like that went past the obvious. He wasn't good enough for Tezuka, his Tezuka, and he was going to find some reason to make Tezuka believe that.

He was not prepared for it when he found that reason. He was not prepared for the amount of pain in his heart when he found a reason for Tezuka to have to break up with Atobe. He knew that Tezuka cared about Atobe in some way, even if it was not really love. Maybe Tezuka really did love him, and just couldn't admit it.

Fuji was too protective, it was true, but he really wanted Tezuka to be happy. He had known all along that he would never be happy with Atobe, and now he had proof, but he hated it.

He could hardly stand living, sometimes.

It was too painful to watch the scene before him unfold. It was too painful to see what he hadn't really expected. He had started to believe that Atobe actually cared about Tezuka in return, but that belief was proved wrong. Fuji really should have trusted his first instincts, but he really wanted Tezuka to be happy, after all.

How could Atobe be having an affair? How could he cheat on Tezuka?

Tezuka was Fuji's everything, and he truly did not understand how Atobe could be with someone else when he had Tezuka's heart. How he could be with someone else when Tezuka was willing to give him his body.

Fuji wanted to drag the other boy out of Atobe's embrace. He wanted to pound Atobe into a bloody pulp, but that was not really his way. Atobe was stronger than he was physically, so it would never work anyway.

Fuji wanted to destroy Atobe Keigo's life, and make him suffer for eternity.

Fuji did not know what to do. How could he tell Tezuka about this? Would Tezuka be crushed, or would he be expecting it? He had to know that Atobe was not a very good person, but...Tezuka trusted Atobe, he had to, or else he would not be with him in the first place.

Fuji could not kill Atobe, even though he had sworn to, because Tezuka would never forgive him. There was no worse thought than having Tezuka hate him.

Fuji continued to watch Atobe as he enjoyed himself in a disgusting way with the other boy. Fuji recognized him. It was Oshitari Yuushi, one of the members of Hyoutei's tennis teams, since junior high. They'd played each other, once.

Oshitari was good-looking, and he was probably good company, but how could he? How could Atobe do this to Tezuka?

And how was Fuji going to tell him?

When the two left, Fuji did not follow. They were probably off to Atobe's house now. How many others was Atobe fucking behind Tezuka's back?

Did he really want to know?

Tezuka was Fuji's everything.

How could he?

----


	3. Part 3

A/N: This is a very short chapter, for a reason. There are bad things to come. =( It is not the last chapter. Don't hate me for where I left it...

Part 3

Yuuta was worried about his brother. They got along well these days, since Yuuta had finally been able to get over his grudge. He did not care much anymore if Fuji was a genius and better than him at everything. It probably helped that Fuji did not play tennis anymore, and no one on any of the teams called him "Fuji's younger brother".

Fuji was being unusually quiet. It was obvious that there was something on his mind, but it was also obvious that even if Yuuta asked him about it, he would say nothing. He knew his older brother well, and knew that Fuji never said anything about how he felt.

They were watching a movie that Yuuta did not particularly like, although he knew that his brother would probably be enjoying it if he didn't have something on his mind. Yuuta wished that he would be a little more trusting, and tell Yuuta something once in a while. Fuji had a way of making Yuuta spill his guts, but never spilled anything in return.

There was one secret that Fuji would never learn, no matter how much he pried. Yuuta was starting to feel more than just brotherly love toward him. It wasn't normal, and he was a little ashamed of it.

"Yuuta."

Yuuta started a little at the sound of Fuji's voice, breaking the long silence. "What?"

"Atobe Keigo is a bastard."

The statement was not shocking. Yuuta knew how much Fuji detested Atobe, because he had spoken of it before. Yuuta remembered when Tezuka had returned from Germany, and Fuji had given up tennis.

Yuuta harbored a deep sense of jealousy towards Tezuka Kunimitsu. He hadn't always, but lately, he couldn't help it. He knew how his brother felt about Tezuka, and knew that his brother would never feel that way about him. He couldn't help being jealous, and he couldn't help but hate himself for being jealous.

"What brings this up?" he asked. "Did he do something to Tezuka again?" Yuuta hoped that the bitterness did not show up in his voice, or he would have some explaining to do. He didn't know if Fuji would believe any of the lies he might have to come up with.

"He didn't directly do anything to Tezuka." Something about the way Fuji said it made Yuuta curious.

"What happened?"

"I won't bother you with the details. Why don't we change the movie to something that you like, instead?"

Fuji wanted to change the subject. He had probably only mentioned it in the first place because he was incredibly bothered by whatever was going on. He wouldn't share any of the details, but he wanted to talk to someone.

"You can tell me anything," Yuuta said, as he searched through the movies. "You know that, right?"

"Yes, I know that. I just don't think that this is something that anyone should hear about. I'm not even sure if I should tell Tezuka."

"Well, if it's going to hurt him, then it would be better if it came from you," Yuuta said. He did not know if Tezuka felt for Fuji in the same way, but he did know that they were close friends no matter what.

"I suppose that's true. Then again, it might just sound like I'm trying to ruin what he has."

"You're not making much sense."

"No, probably not. Thanks for trying to help though, Yuuta. I'm glad that you don't hate me anymore, these days."

"I never hated you at all, anyway," Yuuta grumbled. "You just pissed me off sometimes, is all."

Fuji smiled. "Still, I'm glad you're here."

So am I, Yuuta thought, but he didn't say it aloud.

-----

Fuji sometimes drove Tezuka to school, when his parents let him take the car. He liked driving, and he especially liked driving with Tezuka.

"I want to talk to you," Fuji said, one morning, when Tezuka got in.

"What about?"

"There's something I think that you should know about Atobe."

Tezuka gave Fuji a glare that was most definitely a warning, but Fuji would not be put off.

"I know how this will sound coming from me, since I don't like him in the first place, but Tezuka...there's something that you really need to know about him. I want to tell you, before you find out for yourself and the bastard breaks your heart."

"Fuji?"

"He's having an affair with Oshitari Yuushi."

There was a silence, and then Tezuka said quietly, "What?"

"I saw them together. I was following Atobe. I'm sure you know that I was following the two of you for a while. Well, I started following just him. You know how much I distrust him. Tezuka, they were acting a little more than friendly."

"You don't know all of the details."

"Of course not, but I do know what it looked like. It was hardly innocent, and barring some really fantastic explanation, I think that Atobe has been seeing him for a while."

"I don't believe it."

"I knew you wouldn't, but I wanted you to be prepared. I don't want him to hurt you, Tezuka."

Fuji turned his open-eyed blue stare upon him. Tezuka finally believed the truth in those eyes, because they were as he had never seen them before; angry, but with so much pain, and so much love...

Love. Fuji was in love with him. That explained everything, really. It explained why Fuji had given up tennis for him, why Fuji was always by his side, why Fuji hated Atobe so much for what he had done. Why hadn't he realized it before?

"I'll talk to him," Tezuka said. He didn't know if he was ready to end things with Atobe just yet. Maybe he was seeing Oshitari on the side, but there could be a reasonable explanation for it, and he wanted to hear that first. He wanted to give Atobe the benefit of the doubt.

Tezuka was not in love with Fuji. He was beginning to realize that he was actually in love with Atobe, and it was too late to change that now.

"Fuji..."

"Don't say anything right now, Tezuka. I don't want to hear it. I --" Fuji's eyes widened, and he slammed on the breaks. He hadn't been paying attention to the road because he was upset, and there was a truck coming their way.

He didn't stop the car fast enough.

-----


	4. Part 4

A/N: There are some minor religious references in this chapter. Blink and you'll miss them...I don't think I offended anybody, but I'm sorry, just in case.  
  
Part 4

Fuji had a concussion and a few scrapes and bruises. Every time he asked about Tezuka, the nurses would tell him to be quiet and get some rest.

"You can't get too excited," they said. "Just rest for now."

When he finally managed to get an answer, the world dropped out from under him. Tezuka had been badly hit, and was currently in a coma. He demanded to be let out of bed so he could go and see him.

Tezuka looked very peaceful lying there. It was strange to see him without his glasses, and even stranger to see him sleeping. He looked so young, and innocent, and...

Fuji knelt by the bed. His knees simply wouldn't hold him anymore. "Tezuka, I'm so sorry..."

"Back to bed with you," the nurse said. "You can come and see him again when you're feeling better. I'm sure he'd like the company."

Would Tezuka ever be able to forgive him? Fuji didn't think so.

Fuji got out of the hospital the next day. His parents wanted him to rest, but he refused. He had somewhere to go.

He knew where Atobe lived from the times he had followed him. Atobe looked surprised to see him.

"What brings you here?" he asked.

"I want to talk to you about Tezuka."

"I'm not going to give him to you, if that's what you want." Atobe made as if to close the door in Fuji's face, but Fuji held it open.

"He's in a coma, Atobe. I wanted to tell you before you found out from someone else."

Atobe's face became very, very pale. "What are you talking about?"

"There was an accident. I was driving, and I wasn't paying attention."

"So it's your fault? You put Tezuka into a coma?"

"No, it's your fault. You're the one having an affair. It's your fault that I was so distracted!" Fuji exclaimed. "I saw you with Oshitari! I tried to tell Tezuka about it, and he didn't really believe me. I was upset enough to stop paying attention to the road, and..."

"And now Tezuka is in a coma. My affairs are none of your business, and what's more, they should not be any reason for you to kill him!" Atobe's fists were clenched so tight that his knuckles were turning white. "Get off of my property, Fuji Sysusuke, and if I ever see your face again I might be forced to do something unforgivable."

Fuji turned and walked away. He wanted to be able to blame Atobe for what had happened, but Atobe was right. It was his fault that he hadn't been watching the road, and therefore his fault that Tezuka was in the hospital now.

He wanted to continue to hate Atobe, but it was hard to concentrate on that when the deepest hatred he felt was for himself.

Yuuta did not really know how to comfort his brother, but he knew that comfort was needed. What could he say, though? Fuji refused to believe that it wasn't his fault, so saying anything to that degree would only make him angry.

"You don't have to stay here, Yuuta," Fuji said. "You don't have to try and make me feel better. I don't want to feel better."

"But --"

"I want to be left alone."

"How can I leave you alone when you're like this?" Yuuta demanded. "Do you really expect me to stand by and watch you be miserable?"

"I don't think I'll ever be anything but miserable," Fuji said. He always sounded so calm, so cool. He never let that mask of his crack.

Yuuta was angry.

"Don't be stupid," he said. "I don't care what you want to believe, it really wasn't your fault! Accidents happen, damn it! You can't blame yourself for this forever. Tezuka will wake up eventually, and then you can say you're sorry all you want."

"What if he doesn't wake up?"

Yuuta had no answer for that.

"Just go away, Yuuta."

Yuuta left his brother's room and closed the door behind him. Maybe it would be better to leave him for a while. Seeing his brother in pain was enough to make his own heart ache. There was no room left for doubt in his mind; he was definitely in love with his older brother.

How had it happened? He wasn't quite sure. He could not pinpoint exactly when it had started, but he knew that it had been getting worse for quite some time now. He envied the boy lying in the hospital bed, oblivious to the world as he slept what could turn into a permanent sleep. At least he had Fuji's love.

Yuuta was ashamed of himself, and yet he couldn't help it. He was damned in so many ways. Damned for being in love with a man, damned for being in love with his brother, damned for hating someone who was incapable of hating him back...What did it matter? Maybe he should just add to his sins.

Yuuta was not especially religious, though he had attended a catholic school for a few years now. The only reason he'd gone to St. Rudolph in the first place was to get away from his brother and make a name for himself elsewhere. He had never been especially religious, but he thought that maybe it was time to start praying.

Would God even listen to him, though?

"Do you really want me to go away?" Yuuta asked of the closed door. He knew that Fuji could hear them, but he didn't know if he was going to get any sort of answer.

"Yes, Yuuta. Go away."

"I won't stay away forever," he said. "I can't." With that, he left the house, deciding that it would be best to go back to the dorm for a while. Maybe he could talk to Mizuki about all of this.

Fuji harbored a grudge for Mizuki that was almost as bad as the one he harbored for Atobe. However, it had faded somewhat over the years, since Mizuki did not intentionally hurt Yuuta anymore, in tennis or in anything else. Yuuta liked him, and had discovered that Mizuki was actually a decent person, underneath the bad fashion sense and evil smirk.

However, sometimes Mizuki seemed to want things from him that he just couldn't give. That was another story, however, and something he did not want to think about right now. All he wanted was someone to confide in.

Could he really tell anyone that he was in love with his brother, though? Was there anyone who would understand?

"Yuuta, what's wrong?" Mizuki asked. Yuuta was biting his lip in the certain way he had when he was worried by something.

"Can we talk?"

"Of course." Mizuki patted his bed. "Come sit."

"I...I've been having some problems with my brother," Yuuta said, a little hesitantly.

"Is he being overprotective again?"

"No. He's been all wrapped up in other things lately." Yuuta sighed. He had come to care more and more for his brother, but his brother just got farther and farther away from him, all because of Tezuka. He couldn't blame Fuji for falling in love, but...

"Tezuka's in a coma."

Mizuki was startled. "I can see where that would be upsetting for him. How did it happen?"

"My brother was driving, and they had a bit of an argument, and..." Yuuta shrugged. "They got in an accident. I don't know what to say to him now, to make him feel better." That wasn't the whole problem, but it was all he could really say without giving away his secrets.

"I don't have any suggestions."

"I know there's not much I can do. Tezuka is the only one he cares about, anyway." The bitterness was obvious in his voice.

"Your brother cares about you more than is natural," Mizuki said. "I wouldn't worry about that much, if I were you."

"He used to care," Yuuta said. "He doesn't care about anything but Tezuka, anymore."

"Are you jealous?"

"No, I..."

"Yuuta, I know you better than that." Mizuki shook his head. "He's your brother. Get over him."

"I can't."

"You have to." Mizuki lifted Yuuta's chin, and met his eyes. "I don't know just how much you feel for him, but you have to get over it."

"Yes. I know that, but I can't."

Mizuki sighed. "You have to. I may not be the one you care about the most, but why don't you let me help you try to forget him?"

"Aren't you disgusted?" Yuuta asked. "Don't you want to tell me to get lost because I have weird feelings for my brother?"

"I've never wanted to tell you to get lost, and I never will. I've done some stupid things regarding you in the past, but I think now is the time to try and correct all of that. Like I said, I know I'm not the one you care for the most, but I care about you."

A couple of years ago, Yuuta would not have believed that such pretty words could come from Mizuki's mouth. Not sincere ones, anyway. It was even a little surprising now, when Yuuta knew him better.

"Mizuki --" Yuuta wanted to refuse. He wanted to say that the only person he would ever love was his older brother -- but it sounded so wrong. It was the truth, but it was wrong. Maybe if he tried, he could learn to love Mizuki that way. Maybe if he tried, he could forget about his unnatural feelings, and then he'd be able to help Fuji through his hard times.

"I'll give it a try," he said.

Mizuki kissed him, then. Mizuki was very experienced in that department. Yuuta knew that he'd been with quite a few people, probably all male, and it was a little frightening. Why did Mizuki want him so much? He'd noticed it before, many times, and he didn't understand it. Why him?

"Don't be so nervous. It's only me," he said.

Yuuta relaxed. Maybe he could stop thinking about his brother. Maybe Mizuki could erase the pain in his heart. All he could do was try.

Atobe stared down into his glass. He wished that the liquid was alcoholic, but sadly, he was underage, and breaking the law was not his way. It might become his way in the near future, if he had to suffer through many more days like this, however.

He had gone to visit Tezuka in the hospital. He'd sat by the bed for a couple of hours, just staring at Tezuka's pale face. How could this be? How could Tezuka be lying near death, when a few days earlier he'd been just like always?

"Atobe?"

Atobe blinked at Oshitari. He hadn't heard the other boy come in. The butler must have allowed him into the house. Atobe decided that he would fire the butler later. He did not want to see Oshitari right now. In fact, Oshitari was the person he wanted to see the least.

Atobe did not blame himself for what had happened to Tezuka, though Fuji had tried to. Atobe was the cause of the fight they'd had, though, there was no denying that. He was cheating on Tezuka with Oshitari, and because of that, Tezuka was suffering. He was suffering more severely that Atobe had ever dreamed.

"What's wrong, Atobe?"

"Everything," Atobe replied. He set his glass down, and looked up at Oshitari. The boy was damn sexy in every way, but that was all he was. "Tezuka is in a coma."

"A coma?"

"He got in a car accident. Fuji was driving. They were arguing about us, apparently. Fuji saw us together, and felt it necessary to let Tezuka know about it."

There was really nothing that Oshitari could say to that. He moved over to Atobe, and put his arms around him. Atobe relaxed into the embrace, and let Oshitari kiss him.

Atobe woke early the next morning, and thought that Tezuka was lying next to him. He felt very warm and content for a few moments, until he remembered the previous day.

It was Oshitari in his bed.

Oshitari stirred, and saw that Atobe was awake. He tried to kiss Atobe good morning, but Atobe pushed him away.

"I think it's time to break it off," Atobe said.

"Atobe --"

"Whenever I look at you from now on, I'm going to think of Tezuka, lying in a hospital in a coma. It's over, Yuushi. It never should have started in the first place. I didn't realize that..." Atobe trailed off.

"You love him, don't you?"

"Love? I don't believe in that."

"No, of course you don't."

There was something about the tone of Oshitari's voice that startled Atobe. "Yuushi?"

"It was easy to get you to be with me," Oshitari said. "It was easy to make you want me, but that was all it was."

"I --"

"No, don't say anything now. I'm going to leave, like you wanted. I just wanted you to know that it meant much more than that to me."

"I'm sorry." Atobe meant that. He'd never considered Oshitari's feelings. He'd never even thought about Tezuka's feelings...Just how did Tezuka feel about him, anyway? He might never find out, now.

"Goodbye, Yuushi."

"Goodbye, Keigo."

Atobe couldn't help but feel a little guilty. Oshitari should have realized what he was getting into. Atobe was already taken, and cheating on that person -- it wasn't reasonable to believe that he was capable of real feeling.

Except that he had finally figured out that he was capable of that kind of feeling, and it was too late for that.

Yuuta couldn't stop himself from going home. He could have stayed at the St. Rudolph dormitories, but he really wanted to see his brother. He'd been told to go away, but he couldn't stay away.

Fuji looked no better than last time. In fact, he looked even worse. There were dark circles under his eyes that made it painfully obvious he'd had no sleep for quite some time.

"What are you doing here?" Fuji asked, dully.

"I came to see you," Yuuta said. "I know you told me to get lost, but I thought you might need someone."

"I don't deserve anyone, Yuuta."

"You deserve a lot more than you think." The words were out of Yuuta's mouth before he even had a chance to think about them.

"I've killed the one I care about. Why should I deserve any more than misery?"

"He's not dead." Yuuta knew that it was a possibility, but there was also the possibility of Tezuka pulling through. He was jealous of Tezuka, but for Fuji's sake, he hoped that Tezuka pulled through. He wanted to see his brother be himself again.

"I want to die," Fuji said quietly.

"Damn it!" Yuuta put his hands on Fuji's shoulders and shook him. "Don't be like this! This isn't you!"

"Then who am I?"

"You're so much stronger," Yuuta whispered. "You're the brother who always protected me. You're the brother with everything. You are supposed to be stronger!"

"I'm not very strong at all."

"Neither am I, and I can't protect you." Yuuta turned away. "I won't be able to return any of your favors. I'm sorry."

"I never expected you to --"

"I'm seeing Mizuki."

"What?"

"Mizuki. He and I are sort of dating," Yuuta said. "I know you probably don't like it, but I couldn't help it."

"Do what you want. The last time I tried to stop a relationship from happening, I killed Tezuka." Fuji let out a humorless laugh.

Yuuta shook his head. "I wish I could make everything better."

"You can't."

"Of course not. Goodbye," Yuuta said. It sounded painfully final, even to his own ears. He planned to come back of course, but there was something in the air tonight...

"Goodbye, Yuuta."

Yuuta met a stranger that night who destroyed him. He was too weak from the events of the afternoon to refuse what the man had to offer, and that was the night his life really ended.

TBC


	5. Part 5

Part 5

Fuji's state of mind did not improve. Most of the time he sat in his bedroom, staring out of the window listlessly. He looked almost like a statue; a pale and depressed statue. His parents tried to coax him into coming down for meals, but he always refused with a slight shake of his head. They tried to make him go back to school, but he couldn't face it. There was simply no way he could return to the halls he had walked in with Tezuka at his side while he knew that Tezuka was unable to walk there with him.

Fuji's sister Yumiko did her best to cheer him up, as well. She had always been able to put a smile on his face at the worst of times -- a real smile, not the fake one he always were. Her efforts failed in this case, however.

"Syusuke, why are you blaming yourself over this?" Yumiko finally asked in frustration. She had been trying to talk of neutral things, but Fuji was not responding at all. He did not respond to anything that was not absolutely necessary, such as a request from his parents -- and that was of course only to refuse.

Fuji turned a sharp stare to his sister. "Because it's my fault," he replied.

"Everyone keeps telling you that it isn't your fault. Why don't you believe any of us?"

"You don't understand."

"I understand that you're going to kill yourself with grief if you don't let up soon! Syusuke, we're all so worried about you. The least you could do is talk to us about this."

"You want me to talk?"

"Yes!"

"I don't want to talk," Fuji said. "I don't want to talk to anyone. You don't understand."

"You said that before. Why don't you try and make me understand? I want to see you as your old self again. I want to see you smile, Syusuke."

"I don't want to smile."

"Our parents are going to take you to see a psychiatrist. They're that worried," Yumiko said. "Will you at least talk to him?"

"No."

"I'm begging you to try and help yourself!"

Fuji just gave a vague shrug of his shoulders, and continued to stare out of that window.

Yumiko finally left a little while later. She was deeply disturbed.

----

Fuji stared at the psychiatrist with an unwavering gaze.

"Why don't you tell me exactly what happened?" the man suggested. He was of middle age, and he wore glasses; Fuji thought that Tezuka might look just like him one day, if he lived to get older.

"I was driving the car, I had an argument with Tezuka, and then I got us into an accident. I came out with a few scratches, and Tezuka is in a coma."

"You are only human, and humans get into arguments," the psychiatrist said. He had introduced himself, but Fuji had not paid much attention. "It takes two people to have an argument, as well."

"I was the one who was upset."

"What were you upset about?"

"Do you really want to know?" Fuji asked. His mask was firmly in place, and he could tell that his cheerful smile was baffling the man.

"Talking about it will help you."

"Ah, I see. Well, I was upset with him because he is dating someone who cares little for him. In fact, I caught the bastard in the arms of someone else, and when I tried to tell Tezuka about it, he didn't believe me."

"I see."

"Do you? I don't think so. I was only that upset because I love Tezuka so much, and I didn't want him to get hurt, except that I am the one who ended up hurting him. I keep wondering why I couldn't have been the one that he chose to be with, and then none of this would have ever happened. I can still blame Atobe for all of it somewhat, except that he isn't the one who killed him."

The psychiatrist was blinking rapidly. Fuji let out a hollow chuckle.

"I'm sorry, am I making you uncomfortable? You did say you wanted me to talk about it. If my being gay offends you, then I can leave."

"It's possible that you have convinced yourself that you're in love with him to further your guilt. Your mind can play strange tricks on you," the man suggested.

"Of course it can, but if that's true, then it's been playing tricks on me for years. Tezuka is the only one I've ever loved, and the only one I ever will love, and he's probably going to die because of me. I don't see how talking to you or anyone else about it is going to help me, or make anything better, so if you don't mind, I want to go home."

"I think that you've said enough for today, but I will have your parents schedule further sessions. You need serious help," the psychiatrist said. "You are very unstable right now, and you need someone to guide you."

"Someone such as yourself, who doesn't like the thought of my being in love with the boy I killed? No, thank you. I won't be coming back here."

Fuji walked out of the room and right past his parents, who were waiting outside for him. He went for a long walk, and he didn't return home until early the next morning.

----

Mizuki noticed Yuuta starting to act oddly. He recognized the symptoms, but he hardly believed it coming from Yuuta. At first, he tried to deny it, and come up with other explanations, but soon there was no doubt.

"Yuuta, are you on drugs?" Mizuki asked one evening.

"No, why would I be?"

"Because you're depressed," Mizuki replied. "I've been trying to help you, but obviously I'm not enough."

"It's not you, it's...It's..." Yuuta looked so tired.

"It's your brother." Mizuki wanted to kill Fuji Syusuke in that moment.

"No, it's not him either. It's me."

"Yuuta, I want you to stop. I'll help you. I'll do anything." Mizuki hated begging, but he would do it for Yuuta's sake.

"I'm not doing anything, Mizuki. I just met this guy who said he would give me something to take the pain away. It really works."

"You're on drugs."

"No, it's not anything illegal, it's just --"

"You've been acting strangely, and you have certain symptoms that tell all, Yuuta." Mizuki took his hand. "Please, stop."

"I'm not doing anything wrong," Yuuta repeated. "I just want the pain to go away."

"I know you do. I wish I could make it go away for you," Mizuki said. He held Yuuta for a while, held him tightly so that he wouldn't be able to slip away from him. That would only last as long as his arms were there, though. Once he let go...what would happen?

----

Yuuta got worse, and Mizuki got frustrated. He did not go to Yuuta's parents, because he thought they would be of little help. They were preoccupied with the eldest brother, who still refused to speak to them most of the time. He had to take things into his own hands, but what could he do? Yuuta was becoming more and more irrational, and Mizuki worried when he didn't come back to his dorm room at night. Mizuki tried to stop him from going out in the first place, but Yuuta could not be stopped.

Finally, Mizuki decided to go to a higher authority. He talked to a counselor at his school, who promised that he would take care of things. He called up Yuuta's parents and had a discussion with them, and ensured them that this was very serious, and they were going to have to leave the older brother be for a while. At least one parent was going to have to deal with Yuuta.

Yuuta's father came to the school that evening, and had a talk with Yuuta. Yuuta threw things at him, cursed him, and carried on like that for quite some time. He calmed down eventually and collapsed into a chair, and began to cry.

His father was not very good at comfort, but he knew how to hug his son.

"I want to get better," Yuuta sniffled. "I don't like doing these drugs, and I tried to stop, but I can't stop."

"We'll get help for you," his father promised. "Don't worry son, everything will be all right."

Yuuta looked over his father's shoulder at the person standing in his doorway.

"I couldn't stand to see you like this any longer. It was a tragic waste of potential," Mizuki said, in his usual arrogant manor.

"Thank you," Yuuta said.

Mizuki smiled, then. "Anything for you."

"Ah -- father --" Yuuta realized how this must sound to his father, and he wanted desperately to hide it, but he couldn't think of anything. "I --"

Yuuta's father looked back and forth between the two of them, and noticed something there. He chose not to say anything about it. If this boy cared enough to save Yuuta, then it didn't matter what was going on between them.

"Shh," he said. "Don't worry about anything right now."

Yuuta buried his face in his father's shoulder once more.

----

Yuuta entered rehab. It was hard, very hard. His parents were allowed to visit him once a day, but sometimes he refused to see them. He was irrational, but that was only to be expected. He was going through withdrawal from stronger drugs than Mizuki had suspected he was taking.

Mizuki was not allowed to see him as often because he was not family, but whenever he visited, Yuuta could usually manage a smile for him.

"It's rough," he said one day, "But I want to get over this and get out of here. I want...I want to be with you."

Mizuki was touched. "I want that, too," he said. In fact, that was what he had wanted for a very long time. He was an arrogant boy, and to most it seemed that he cared more about himself than others, but there was enough room in his heart for this boy at least. And oh, how he cared for this boy, for such a long time. It had taken him a while to realize that was what it was, but when he did...

"You'll be out of here before you know it," Mizuki said.

"I'm sorry that I didn't care about you that way before," Yuuta said. "I...I do now."

"I'm glad." Mizuki squeezed Yuuta's hand. "So keep fighting, Yuuta."

"I promise, I will."

----

Fuji did not learn about Yuuta's problem until Yuuta was released from the rehab clinic. His parents had tried to inform him, but he hardly ever listened to a word they said anymore. Even his sister had given up trying to speak to him; whenever she stepped into his room, it was to look at him with sad, sad eyes, and maybe leave him a tray of food.

He overheard his parents talking one evening, right outside his door. He was irritated that they had stopped there, and were disturbing his silence.

"Why doesn't he want to come home?" Mrs. Fuji asked. She sounded close to tears.

"He didn't say. He wants us to come and visit him though, now that he's out."

Out? Out of where? Fuji ventured out of the room, and startled his parents by speaking to them.

"What is going on with Yuuta?"

"We tried to tell you, honey. Yuuta has been...sick," Mrs. Fuji said.

"Sick?"

"He was on drugs. He's been through rehab, and he is much better now."

Fuji stared at his father as if the man had grown an extra head. "What are you talking about? Yuuta would never do something like that."

"That's what we thought, but he did. We are very proud that he's come through this, though. We're going to see him, do you want to come?"

"Yes."

Fuji returned to his room to change, all the while wondering what could have possibly driven Yuuta to drugs. He hadn't killed the boy he was in love with, like Fuji had; what could possibly be terrible enough for him to --

Fuji dropped whatever it was that he was holding as he realized just what might have caused it.

It was me. I told him to go away. I hurt him. I hurt my brother...

----

Yuuta was happy to see his parents, but his smile faded when he noticed that his brother had come with them. Their parents left them alone for a moment, thinking that it would be for the best for the brothers to have a talk.

"I didn't realize you were sick," Fuji said. "I...I'm sorry, Yuuta."

"Sorry for what?" Yuuta asked.

"For what happened that day," Fuji said. "I didn't mean to tell you to go away."

"Maybe it was for the best, anyway."

"I drove you to what you did."

"Stop blaming yourself for everything!" Yuuta exclaimed. "You just don't understand, do you? You don't really understand why I did it at all."

"No, I don't. Why don't you explain?" Fuji said. "I haven't been there for you..."

"No, you haven't. This time, I'm telling you to get out," Yuuta said. "Get out, and I never want to see you again."

"I understand that, at least," Fuji said. "Goodbye, Yuuta."

"Goodbye."

Fuji thought that Yuuta would live happily ever after. He certainly deserved it, after all he had been through.

He was wrong.

----


	6. Part 6

A/N: The short and final chapter. I'm sorry for destroying everyone's lives. I'm sorry that this is so depressing. Thanks for reading it, though.

Part 6

It was Mizuki who found Yuuta one morning, with wide-open and lifeless eyes. When he was examined, it was determined that he'd overdosed on drugs.

"Why did you do it?" Mizuki whispered to Yuuta's body, at the funeral. "Why? I thought you were better."

If Yuuta had been able to answer, he would have explained that it was all just too much to handle. He had not been able to get over his love for his brother; and though he'd loved Mizuki, he had not loved him enough. He did not want to continue using him; did not want to continue to be a burden to the whole world.

Mizuki was not the crying type, though some might have thought it. He had not cried since he was very little; but at Yuuta's funeral, he cried more than Mrs. Fuji.

Fuji did not believe the news about his brother at first, not until he saw Yuuta's body himself. It was impossible. How could Yuuta be lying there, so cold, so lifeless?

It must be because of Mizuki.

"This is all your fault!" Fuji exclaimed angrily. His mask was completely cracked, now. He could not diguise his fury. He did not care that they were at a funeral, and that this was definitely not the place for a fight.

Mizuki looked up at him with very dull and lifeless eyes. "How is it my fault? I tried to stop this from happening. What did you do? You've been so caught up in yourself and Tezuka that you never noticed how much he cared. You should have noticed, and done something about it."

"What are you talking about?"

"Of course, you don't know. He was in love with you. It was painfully obvious, but you never took the time to notice. You could have done something about it, even if you never felt the same way for him...you could have at least tried to help him. Instead, you told him to go away, and he did."

Fuji backed away. "No."

"At least I loved him."

"I loved him!"

"Just go away," Mizuki said. "I hope I never see you again."

Fuji couldn't blame Mizuki for this any more than he could blame Atobe for Tezuka being in a coma. Everything was his fault, everything.

Fuji felt tears escaping his eyes. He decided that he wanted to go and see Tezuka, one last time.

"I threatened to kill Atobe if he ever hurt you. He wasn't the one who really hurt you, though, was he? That really means that the one who should die is me."

Fuji had never contemplated suicide before, not even when he'd most wanted to die in the past few weeks. He'd thought that the pain of living was a much better punishment for him.

Now, though, he just wanted escape. He wanted to end the pain, and enter oblivion. He hoped that he could see Tezuka in the next world, whatever that was. He hoped that Yuuta was there too, so he could apologize.

It was easy enough to slit his wrists. It was easy enough to just let go of his life, lie peacefully beside Tezuka, and go to sleep.

Tezuka was dreaming. It was a long dream. There was so much darkness, but he kept moving towards the light at the end of that darkness. He wanted to go home. He wanted to see his parents. He wanted to see Atobe. He wanted to see Fuji...

Fuji.

He could hear Fuji's voice sometimes. He always said such dismal things. Tezuka wanted to tell him to stop being like that, but he couldn't talk. His lips just wouldn't move.

"That really means t hat the one who should die is me."

Tezuka was startled to hear Fuji's voice saying something so harsh. What had happened to the Fuji he knew? He wanted to tell him, no -- don't be like that!

Tezuka saw a face. It was the face of someone very, very sad. He looked a little familiar, almost like...

Tezuka opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was the white ceiling. He was in the hospital.

That explained why he'd been dreaming that long dream, anyway. Was he sick? No, he wasn't sick; he'd been in an accident. Fuji had been driving, and...

Tezuka turned his head a little, and realized that he was too late. The sheets weren't white anymore, they were red.

"Fuji," he whispered. He thought he might cry.

"You're awake!" a nurse exclaimed, when she entered the room to check on him. Then she saw the mess, and screamed.

"Fuji," Tezuka repeated, and then he really did cry.

When Atobe went for his weekly trip to see Tezuka, he was overjoyed to find that the other boy was awake and looking somewhat like his old self, if somewhat thinner and paler.

"Tezuka!"

Tezuka nodded at him. "Atobe."

Atobe was not very good at expressing emotion. He did not throw himself at Tezuka and gush about how glad he was to see Tezuka awake, but he did press a quick kiss to his lips.

"When did you wake up?"

"Two days ago."

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" Atobe seethed. "I told them to call me if anything happened."

"You're not family."

"That doesn't matter." Atobe sighed, and decided to let it pass. He would have a word with whoever was in charge later. For now, he just wanted to take in the fact that Tezuka was going to be all right.

"Where is your family? I would think that they would be here constantly, now that you're awake."

"The nurse chased them away and told them to go home and get some sleep," Tezuka replied.

"I see."

For some reason, the silence that followed was tense. Atobe was missing something, and he didn't know what it was. Now that Tezuka was awake, they could go back to their old ways, couldn't they? Unless --

"I hear that Fuji told you about Oshitari."

"Yes."

"Are you angry?"

"I was."

"I broke it off with him. I should never have been with him in the first place. Tezuka, I..." Atobe didn't know how to say it. He didn't know if he would ever be able to say it.

"Don't."

"What?"

"Don't say anything," Tezuka said. "I can't listen to it right now. Atobe, Fuji killed himself two days ago, just before I woke up. I heard his voice, and I tried to stop him, but I couldn't."

"I'm sorry." Atobe meant it. He had never particularly liked Fuji, but he knew that Tezuka had cared about him.

"Fuji was in love with me, and I never realized it."

Atobe raised an eyebrow. It had been painfully obvious, he thought, what with all the jealousy -- and Tezuka had never noticed?

"He killed himself because of me."

"Tezuka --"

"I can't stay with you anymore. It would be like betraying his memory. I hope you understand."

Atobe didn't understand that at all. He had been waiting for so long for Tezuka to wake up so that he could talk with him again, and be with him again, and now it was all over, just like this?

"I don't want it to be over, Tezuka."

Tezuka shook his head. "I'm sorry."

Atobe could see emotion in Tezuka's eyes that shook him. Tezuka was usually good at hiding what he really felt, but there it was, plain as day. He really meant it when he said he was sorry, but he also meant that he could no longer be with Atobe anymore.

"I think that I really learned to love you, Tezuka," Atobe said, and then he left the room without looking behind him.

"I think I learned to love you, too," Tezuka whispered, staring at the white sheets that covered his legs. He had so many things that he wanted to wish for right then, but he knew that he couldn't have any of them. The world wasn't fair, and he would never be happy again, but he wasn't important anyway. All the important people were dead and gone, and they were all gone because of him.

If only he could have woken up sooner. If only...


End file.
